Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize