Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
