May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
