the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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