omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
