someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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