i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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