i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
