so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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