sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
