frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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