I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
