there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Who died my cat blue again?
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