dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
