I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
