Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
