He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
