Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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