he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
