dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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