I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
