I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
YAS. BRING CRAB.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
