Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
