As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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