and you said cock pushups were impossible
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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