my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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