2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
