filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
