I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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