I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
