Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
