So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Someone signed my nipple.
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