Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
