If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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