Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
