Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
