If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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