I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
