im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
