I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Randomize
