I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
