I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
