my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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