one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
