Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
