so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
