what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
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You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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