I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
It's never too late to be topless.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize