Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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