Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
