Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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