Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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