i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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