Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
