Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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