turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
