Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
