I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Randomize
