Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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